Year One Survival Guide:
1)Do what you need to do to survive.
That’s my tip, thats my only survival mechanism.
One year has come to a close. What a year its been. I've learned a lot about myself this year. It’s not been pretty. I’ve learned that I seem to have lost my purpose. I honestly saw myself as a very confident, self assured woman. A go getter. Independent, motivated, driven. Extremely social, outgoing, intelligent.... I was a card carrying, happy, proud wife. My ace in my back pocket was always Mark. Pushing me, lifting me up, standing by my side ( from his couch of course, he wasn’t very social), but I could feel him there.
There was nothing I couldn’t do, nothing I couldn’t achieve in his eyes. Well, obviously, there was one glaring discrepancy in all that, but aside from that.... he was my biggest fan, and I his. I have no purpose. I have been a wife for 25 of my 53 years. How in the hell do you change gears? How do you suddenly go from 2 to being 1. How do you go from having someone in your corner cheering you on, holding you up, making you believe in yourself, to coming home to a dark apartment, with 2 cats blinking at you when you turn on the lights, and then promptly demanding to be fed. Here’s what I’ve learned in the last year.... there are strength in numbers. One truly can be the loneliest number.
Don’t get me wrong, I have my family, they go out of their way to make me feel supported, comfortable, happy, included.... so much so, that, tomorrow is my sisters wedding anniversary, her husband asked if maybe, they could go alone somewhere, just them..... you see, I have been a third wheel on so many of their dates, vacations, outings, day to day routine, that the poor man had to ask if they could go away for their anniversary alone...... trust me, had I asked to go.... I would be packing my suitcase now, instead of writing this.... I’ll let them go alone this time, so I am lucky, I am more blessed than anyone I know , but there is always a feeling of being alone. Maybe it’s a mind set, or a heart- set, or a woman thing... I don’t know, its just always a nagging feeling.
Learning to look after myself is quite a chore. Things I always took for granted. Car insurance, registration, inspection, maintenance..... learning to make sure everything is in that little plastic envelope in my glove compartment.... some days its too much, it’s overwhelming. I get frustrated, annoyed, angry, sad, I just want to throw myself like a child, but of course I cant.... cause I got kids, and they are watching, modelling my behaviour. So I have to be strong, and put a courageous game face on. A positive, we got this attitude, when truthfully, some days I ain’t got shit..... One day, my daughter called, and she was down in the dumps, and a bit whiny and complainy, and on that day, I couldn’t do it ,I couldn’t listen, I couldn’t be the positive, strong parent. I unfortunately came unglued, and shared a bit, ok, maybe a lot, of what this last year has been like for me, how I’ve felt, some of my struggles, possible may of had a wee potty mouth, ok, maybe a big potty mouth during the discussion, the conversation ended abruptly. I get a text very shortly after, an “I’m sorry” text, and an “I love “you text. Some days, they forget I am human, and aside from being their mother, I’m a woman struggling.
I have to refocus. I have to relearn, I have to become my own best friend. I have to gain confidence in myself, trust myself, enjoy myself. Take myself out ( for this part, I have to learn how to drive outside of Woodstock at least). I am a fun person, a happy person. I just gotta find my stride again. A new stride, a different stride..... my own stride, not our stride.
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