Isn’t it funny how life creates ( forces) change? Like one minute we are living our life, and out of nowhere life throws curveballs and says “ nope, lets go this way”.... like, whatever happen to our plan? I’m certainly not going to argue the point God has a plan. Of course he does, but.... WTF, ( you all know what that means and don’t pretend you haven’t whispered it one or a million times in your head before). So now my question ( yes, I’m daring to question) Why?
As I sit at my new little kitchen table ( first time ever mind you) at 6:14 AM, I question why? Not why am I up at such an ungodly hour of the day, or why didn’t I buy more coffee, but, At 53, why am I being forced to change?
Before the messiness ( maybe the messiness will be another story for another day, its a story that needs to be voiced, to be spotlighted for sure, but not this morning) anyway.....before the messiness.
Wife of a kick ass husband, mother of 2 great kids, great job, loving life. Moving forward at the speed of light. Then BAM.... 25 years worth of life, gone. Disappeared in one single breath. 25 years worth of loving, happiness ( most of it), kids, dogs, laughter.... “ I have a plan for you” . I hear Gods voice screaming that in my ear. It’s what we are taught, right? Since we are children... God has a plan. Not in Gods plan, not what God had in mind for you..... I guess, my question would be.... why did he wait 25 years to let me know that?
I am Blessed to be where I am, don’t get me wrong. I’m in a comfortable home ( which David believes I have stuffed way to full of furniture), with incredible loving family ( again, David feeds me at all hours of the day and night). And with my sister. I haven’t the words to describe the comfort with which she provides. Some nights we laugh hysterically at the changes we have been dealt ( forced upon us), some nights we cry. Actually, we cry a lot. It’s been kind of a rough few years. But, back to the “ Plan”
We all want to believe that Gods plan is far better than ours, right? I mean, he only wants the best for us. So, why change it up after 25 years. Does he not know how hard that is? Can he not see that change after 50 comes with a lot of feet scuffing, dragging and screaming? WTF is he thinking? How can his plan be better than the plan I have been living the last 25 years? It was working.... life was great.
I’m slowly adjusting to this new life. I compare it to being bi-polar. 10 days I do well, really well. Move forward, plaster a smile, work, socialize a bit, peak forward a bit at what life could be like, then I cry for 4 days at a time missing my old life. Wishing for all the world I could just step back in time, and whisper WTF a million times in my head. Like, WTF was the purpose of Mark dying? WTF was the purpose of my little dog getting hit by a car? WTF is the purpose of my cats being such assholes. Before all the messiness, I was not a patient person. I was a “ lets get this done” kinda gal. Now, I’m still not a patient person, but learning to wait it out.... sometimes by outcomes that are distasteful, sometimes by outcomes that could of been better had I counted to 10 first, sometimes by outcomes that would of been far better had someone taken my phone away from me....but I’m learning, right... slowly... with a few more smiles than tears, with fabulous friends who have sat and cried, laughed, shared every good and bad with me, with family, who, stand beside me, remind me of who we are, and straighten my crown when it gets sideways. But surely, that wasn’t the plan, was it? to teach me patience. I still whisper WTF, really, why, I just cleaned your litter box 10 minutes ago, several times a day. I am still wondering ( questioning, don’t tell God) about this “ plan”. Now, I guess, I do it slower, with a bit more apprehension, with new eyes, eyes that have seen 25 years worth of a plan gone in a single breath. Maybe now I see it with more appreciation of every sunrise, sunset, rain storm, heartache, belly laugh, melt down, fabulous moment. Was that the plan?
As I sit at my new little kitchen table ( first time ever mind you) at 6:14 AM, I question why? Not why am I up at such an ungodly hour of the day, or why didn’t I buy more coffee, but, At 53, why am I being forced to change?
Before the messiness ( maybe the messiness will be another story for another day, its a story that needs to be voiced, to be spotlighted for sure, but not this morning) anyway.....before the messiness.
Wife of a kick ass husband, mother of 2 great kids, great job, loving life. Moving forward at the speed of light. Then BAM.... 25 years worth of life, gone. Disappeared in one single breath. 25 years worth of loving, happiness ( most of it), kids, dogs, laughter.... “ I have a plan for you” . I hear Gods voice screaming that in my ear. It’s what we are taught, right? Since we are children... God has a plan. Not in Gods plan, not what God had in mind for you..... I guess, my question would be.... why did he wait 25 years to let me know that?
I am Blessed to be where I am, don’t get me wrong. I’m in a comfortable home ( which David believes I have stuffed way to full of furniture), with incredible loving family ( again, David feeds me at all hours of the day and night). And with my sister. I haven’t the words to describe the comfort with which she provides. Some nights we laugh hysterically at the changes we have been dealt ( forced upon us), some nights we cry. Actually, we cry a lot. It’s been kind of a rough few years. But, back to the “ Plan”
We all want to believe that Gods plan is far better than ours, right? I mean, he only wants the best for us. So, why change it up after 25 years. Does he not know how hard that is? Can he not see that change after 50 comes with a lot of feet scuffing, dragging and screaming? WTF is he thinking? How can his plan be better than the plan I have been living the last 25 years? It was working.... life was great.
I’m slowly adjusting to this new life. I compare it to being bi-polar. 10 days I do well, really well. Move forward, plaster a smile, work, socialize a bit, peak forward a bit at what life could be like, then I cry for 4 days at a time missing my old life. Wishing for all the world I could just step back in time, and whisper WTF a million times in my head. Like, WTF was the purpose of Mark dying? WTF was the purpose of my little dog getting hit by a car? WTF is the purpose of my cats being such assholes. Before all the messiness, I was not a patient person. I was a “ lets get this done” kinda gal. Now, I’m still not a patient person, but learning to wait it out.... sometimes by outcomes that are distasteful, sometimes by outcomes that could of been better had I counted to 10 first, sometimes by outcomes that would of been far better had someone taken my phone away from me....but I’m learning, right... slowly... with a few more smiles than tears, with fabulous friends who have sat and cried, laughed, shared every good and bad with me, with family, who, stand beside me, remind me of who we are, and straighten my crown when it gets sideways. But surely, that wasn’t the plan, was it? to teach me patience. I still whisper WTF, really, why, I just cleaned your litter box 10 minutes ago, several times a day. I am still wondering ( questioning, don’t tell God) about this “ plan”. Now, I guess, I do it slower, with a bit more apprehension, with new eyes, eyes that have seen 25 years worth of a plan gone in a single breath. Maybe now I see it with more appreciation of every sunrise, sunset, rain storm, heartache, belly laugh, melt down, fabulous moment. Was that the plan?
Waiting patiently by your side and loving you and your kids as we try to enjoy life through to the plan......it is the getting through with faith, laughter, joy and patience that we are learning!
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ReplyDeleteYour words always make me think. Especially the WTF. I say that so many times. Especially driving in my car - that is when I have those moments of why.
ReplyDeleteMy peace is a walk or a paddle. Then the why seems a little clearer. You and kathy , your bond and outlook on life - they give many of us hope and inspiration. You get knocked down by life but you always jump back up. Some days the jump takes longer I know - but you persevere. That helps me understand the why also. Love you my friends.
I've had these thoughts as well many time over. I love reading your posts. You have been through a lot,but I see a strong lady who's managing through a life that's changed very fast for you.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing it's very therapeutic. Lots of positive love and hugs for you. Keep smiling even if the tears are rolling. 🙂